So you've been in the Netherlands for a few years, your job is going great, things at home — kids, partner, pets, plants, etc. — have been all figured out, you even learned enough Dutch to read the billboard ads and converse with strangers. But something is still amiss. That's how I felt 5 years into the journey. Is that how you feel too? Then read on, maybe what helped me, may help you too?
I don't recall making a conscientious effort to rectify the situation. It was not a depression, it was a mere undercurrent of thoughts that kept bothering me. All I recall is when it finally clicked. I distinctly remember how I was walking about one day, and I met people I knew, just randomly in the street. First one group, then another. And then it really felt like home for the first time in five years. I never looked back.
In retrospect, here is what helped.
Pick up a new hobby that will push you out of the comfort zone
For me it was comedy improvisation. I like good storytelling. And that takes preparation. I need to sit and think ahead of time. No way around it. So please understand my full meaning when I say I was shocked, embarrassed, speechless when I was pushed to improvise with a stranger on-stage. I was coming up with what seemed to be mere utterances, sometimes I was just making sounds, on the spot. I thought, “What kind of story are we writing?” “Can it get more superficial than this??”
It was clear I was embarking on a personal transformation, completely outside of my comfort zone. And I would love to tell you all about it, but I don’t think details are all that important. What’s important is to follow through. And I did. I met about 20 people from all walks of life, none of them were like me. A perfect remedy for an extravert. And, what’s also important, I was doing something that was not strictly necessary, like plumbing is necessary. Fine arts have the same grip over me. They have a certain air about them: the less necessary it is, the more potent it is.
Take a University course
I took a 3-month Dutch course at the University of Amsterdam. Practical, I know, but it can be any course. 30 adults studying after work, doing homework, a long-forgotten concept. Seeing people regress to school times was hilarious! We even broke up into two groups initially — men and women. That’s how things started at school too, at least where I went.
We made fun of the University teacher. Some of us were striving for good marks, some were misbehaving. We compared Dutch to our own languages. My Italian friend noted, “I cannot ever interrupt people speaking Dutch because I never know what they are saying, they may negate the whole sentence but adding ‘niet’ at the end, so I have to suppress the natural urge to argue until they finish”. He was clearly not the most diligent pupil, but we laughed so hard over this.
We had our inside jokes. We bonded. We went for a beer after every class. We exchanged phone numbers. I am still good friends with some of these folks.
What I did is I broke out of my usual social circle of friends and colleagues. And it was incredibly energizing and refreshing. I no longer relied on work. I no longer fully relied on what’s at home too. It felt like a breather, although I was unaware I needed one.
Get a deep connection with someone who is Dutch
For me it was my girlfriend, so that’s easy. Go get a divorce. Just kidding :). I also made a few friends along the way. Even as an adult, that was entirely possible. Going through hardships together turned out to be a great way of creating a lasting friendship. Work is probably the easiest. I know it was for me. There is no shortage of deeply-rooted misery in corporations, is there? That can be shared between you, and that can be overcome jointly, so life is better.
And that is what helped me. You’re probably different, so something else entirely may be required for your particular set of personality traits. Go and discover what that is. Or, if you already have, please let us know. The comment section is good for that :). How did you make Netherlands your home?